Who Am I?
Identity Crisis also known as Losing my Identity or Religion ~
Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?
‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.’
‘Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.’
~ Judy Garland
“We never know how high we are till we are called to rise. Then if we are true to form our statures touch the skies.”
~ Emily Dickinson
‘Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’
~ Yeshua Mashiyach, John 8:32
‘So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’
~ Yeshua Mashiyach, John 8:36
I call picking up the authentic pieces of my life as I have known it; following my bread crumb trail. The hunt is on for the retrieval. Picking up a familiar voice beckoning me to ‘Come and see’. The response I am hearing in response to asking the question, Who am I? I find myself being led one step at a time by listening to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. My Intuition agrees with the One Who Knows all things.
In looking over my shoulder while on my Way, I did not understand at this time in my life that the answer was being given in the moment I asked because a strange series of events were set off that first induced in me a recoiling back, followed by anger and bitterness, then a deep depression, which led to a bargaining or pleading state, and ultimately led me to wave the white flag of my former existence.
I surrendered, stopped struggling and came to accept where I was in this moment.
Allowing my life as I had known it to be turned completely upside down.
It took laying down all my preconceived ideas of what I thought my life was suppose to look like and who I was suppose to be like created on a constantly shifting foundation of how others ideas and ideals wanted me to be for them, not myself. A cloudy reflection of the implanted potential while not seeing the realization of this potential actualizing in my life. It just became too much to carry or care about anymore. My existing state of Heart, Mind and Soul, went blank. I ran out of gas. It took letting go of the expectations of all the people, places and things and sitting in complete aloneness (Silence) to really hear what was being said in my innermost being… Listening and not speaking, more like waiting…
Once again, like I had been at age 19, I had no where to go, I had no one to talk to because I didn’t even know or understand who I was at this point. Something I did not know that I would ever have a repeat experience of in my life. It was difficult trying to express what I was experiencing. I was an island unto myself. A point and grunt moment. I was back at the beginning of not knowing…my faith in Christ was diminishing fast through disillusionment. My life lived for Him wasn’t going the way I wanted it too and this would become the real beginning of my Job in the Bible experience.
It has been by growing into my understanding as I walked through different stages in my living process, that I have come to realize, knowledge was being gained by being given. I have learned it is a constant process of refinement, and purification of sifting and sorting, discerning what to keep and what to let go of in Light of what has served its purpose in my life, letting go in order to increase life in me. This refinement process cleanses my Heart, Mind, and Soul, clears the eyes of my heart of all unhealthy emotions and allows me to focus on the reality of what or whom I have made into the God of my Life in this moment.
Clearing the ground for something new to be built upon…
My heart’s eyes weren’t clear in this moment, they were downright blind.
I desired New Blood, another Source or Way of Life. My blood was toxic and it would take a Blood transfusion to save my life.
The way this happened for me was my fairy tale dream of having a perfect family life was turned into dust. I kept pouring all my energy into grasping and clutching at the sandcastle that was disappearing between my tightly clenched fingers. The harder I gripped the faster it slipped away.
I first began to sense dissatisfaction by becoming deeply depressed that there was something missing in my present idea of what a perfect life was suppose to look like and then proceeded to beat myself up emotionally for being so ungrateful by feeling this way. I was eating myself to death on the inside based on the fear of losing the outside picture. The building was crumbling from the inside out.
I realize now, it was the Holy Spirit saying, ‘Psst!! Pay attention here.’ Your deep depression (an emotional indicator that something was amiss in my immaterial being) is calling you to realize the Truth from lies. Just be still, listen to my counsel, and you will have your answer as you grow deeper in understanding your relationship with Me.
So what did I do? I took it upon my self made way of fixing things. I was just learning to walk in new ways. I tried to figure it out. I was still looking for Love in all the wrong places. I kept asking others, ‘Will you please show me, tell me who I am? I seem to be experiencing an Identity crisis here and I cannot seem to remember who I am. I am lost.’
So naturally people obliged.
The only problem was I did not realize how closed I was to receiving the answer of what I was asking to know and this only added to my grief and confusion.
Well, I have come to understand that it is impossible to solve a problem on the same level it is created in. The answer or solution must come from a Higher Mind’s realm of understanding. The One Who can see the whole problem by being far removed from it all. One Whose ways are not my ways and Whose thoughts are not like my thoughts. One Whose thoughts are Higher than my thoughts can possibly reach while living on this level of reality.
The eyes affect the heart. What had happened was very subtle. I began to take in more worldly information and spent less time alone with God in meditation and spent less time filling my mind with His Word.
The sensationalism of worldly influence caused me to become disenchanted with my life and I found myself outgrowing my current level of experience. I was both afraid of the unknown and enticed by the fear. I was in a dry, parched, disillusioned, broken hearted and very angry state of heart and mind towards God. I felt that God had abandoned and betrayed me like everyone and everything else in my life seem to have done. I was like a child forgotten and left behind the door, feeling like all the good things in life were being given away to all the others while I was told to wait, and wait, and wait.
I didn’t want someone else’s portion of good, I only wanted my portion, my good, what I felt rightfully belonged to me. My Inheritance. Ah, I was entering into the Prodigal stage of my real live relationship with God and I didn’t know it. But my Heavenly Father knew and I see now that this was according to His plans and purpose for my life and a very necessary part of my growing in trust in my relationship with Him.
My life looked anything but…
A new and before now, unthinkable way of inner dialog began to arise from within me.
I sinned as in I broke the ingrained laws against my ancestral theology. I rebelled against all I had been taught by God up to this time in my life.
I threw a major tantrum and I cussed God out, not once but with regularity.
I also was a hypocrite, a pretender. I was practicing hypocrisy by professing to possess beliefs, feelings and virtues that I truly did not believe in nor own.
I was a liar.
Putting on the happy face and continuing to go to church while still asking Who am I? I simply did not know where I fit into this picture while cussing God out under my breath at the same time.
I was fooling everyone but God Who knew me as He created me to be. And this God, I was unknowingly still in the process of knowing, knew this.
I was receiving the answer to my original question. My life just didn’t look like I expected it to look. I had unrealized expectations that would rise to the surface of His Light to be examined in what would take me well over sixteen years of wandering through the desert and dry places, mountains, deep and dark valleys, plains and sandy beaches to find.
I was led into a valley, this one even deeper than the one before, also known as a dark night of the Soul.
There is a saying that the valley is where the best fruit grows. Why? Well, because the valley is where all the shit flows down from the mountaintop. Yes, I said that.
My journey was to teach me that Knowledge without grace leads to elation, being puffed up which differs greatly from knowledge with grace which leads to humility…
I have read not to despise the discipline of God, for He only disciplines those whom He loves and are His children. I know this now, but at the time, I hated this idea and rebelled against it. So the way I learned this life changing lesson…
The marriage went first.
Next, I had to leave behind my home making passion as a home maker and find a job; or mildly put, just over broke. Working outside the home took me away from my heart’s desire and purpose to create a home for myself and my children that would be a haven and sanctuary from the harsh world that surrounded us.
Then the very ones I had lived and breathed and poured my being into and woven my dreams into turned their backs on me and left in raging adolescence. Lord! Not my babies!!
I had to endure becoming a scarlet women to the very church I had placed such high expectations and trust in and bound my loyalty to. They pushed me out the door and shut it. Just like that. This was not where my loyalties were to be given.
It was an awakening for me as thoughts of all the tithing I gave in very dire circumstances because I was afraid if I did not give the money to the church as taught, instead of buying shoes to replace my children’s worn out ones during winter, that somehow God would punish me financially. The Insanity of it all!!
Old tapes rising from the ancestral grave to haunt me.
Now on the other side of this once opened door, another familiar but forgotten thought crossed my mind.
I was Free!!
I said as I was leaving and now knowing, ‘God, I’m taking a forever sabbatical. I don’t need this lifestyle anymore. I am finished.’
Now what do I do?
Well, what is interesting is that once everything is dumped out, you find out something about Truth; Truth will always remain, because its unchangeable in its nature. It cannot deny Itself. This led me into understanding that I do not have to worry about anything when I have the Truth in me and with me. I have always been shown what to do, one step at a time. And this was because Truth is a person. It would take me years to come to this understanding and make my peace with God.
I am now certain that holding tightly onto our beliefs is not the most practical answer. Being certain of what is Truth is a whole other story. Not the same thins. I had learned to hold on to the hand of the One who was leading the way. I keep being brought back to the beginning of where my power to live fully comes from. The Spirit of God keeps whispering in the ears of my heart counseling, guiding, and reminding me of the very essence of who I am in God’s eyes and plan. I know this without a doubt when I am living from the correct order in my life. God first, then others, and He takes care of me and my needs generously and graciously.
As I remain in active relationship I have peace with God.
I leap and the net appears. I surrender, I let go and I fly on the wings of eagles. I allow myself to be carried by the All Seeing, All Knowing, Ever Present One.
I can live in a state of complete Trust because I know Whom I am Trusting in. I can hear the voice of my Heavenly Father speaking to me, when I choose to dwell in Him and He dwells in me by His Holy Spirit.
I lost my identity and religion because it was never about these things at all.
It was, it is, it will always be about living face to face in relationship with the Father, and the only way to really understand that this was what God wanted me to grasp, was to go through everything exactly the way it all happened in my life.
Did God come back or did I find God? God never left me. I forgot Whose I was in a temporary moment of amnesia that lasted well over a thirty five year process, and this process was what brought me back into being in my right state of mind. A momentary Spiritual process of a temporal sense of false self, being slowly yet surely removed from the Rightful throne of ownership in my life, now being seen through the eyes of my Creator.
I gave Him my seat and I sit in His lap while InJoying the ride.
I have learned the best way to prevent this from happening again is to stay consciously and constantly connected to the Holy Spirit, Who alone knows what is in the Mind of God.
My soul clings to God and is at rest.
The Holy Spirit is guiding me from within and guides each of my steps outwardly through affirmation and also correction as I found out, moment by moment. I sit in the Presence of My God with Christ in the heavenly places where He has seated me and I now experience myself as loved by being in His very Presence. God is Love.
All He is inviting me to do is to enJoy being in Relationship with Him by including Him in every area of my life. To walk side by side with Him.
The nearer we draw to God, the more like God we will become.
I live by partnering with God in all areas of my life. It’s a process, of my handing areas over to Him as the Holy Spirit reveals an area that needs to be brought into His Light for examination.
I experience being set free from those things that encumber me and I receive the peace of God as I let unhealthy ways go by handing them over to Him to work in me healthier choices, whether immaterially as in attitudes and emotional reactions from the ashes of my old nature, or physically in fulfilling fleshly cravings.
He exchanges my ashes and gives me the Beauty of His Spirit radiating within me.
Yeshua Mashiyach, is the Love I was searching for… I just had to take my eyes off the wrong people, places and things in my life and learn how to focus on Him and become aware of His abiding Presence in me, with me wherever I go on this side of eternity and onward into the other side of eternity.
It’s really very simple yet… I have made it so hard.
The Holy Spirit is sealed into us to dwell in us who receive Yehshua and is like a lingering KISS of love from God.
Being reminded to cast all our cares upon Him because He cares for us with tender mercy and loving kindness.
May you set your self aside this day, a time to be still and listen while sitting in the Presence of God,
He will reveal your True identity according to His purpose and plan for your life if you will let Him speak to you.
When we are faithful to acknowledge Who He is, He will lovingly reveal, the answer to this question common to mankind;
Who Am I?
You are a Child of God, Whom I love with an everlasting love, if you will draw near to me, I will draw near to you.
Keep It Simple Sweetie ~ pie ~
Many Blessings of Well Being,
In Joy this day!
Living as a Child of God.
May you be touched by God’s Love ~
In the Spirit of Yeshua,
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