Who Am I?
Identity Crisis also known as Losing my Identity or Religion ~
Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?
‘Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.’
~ proverb
’Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.’
~ Judy Garland
I call picking up the authentic pieces of my life as I have known it; following my bread crumb trail. The hunt is on for the retrieval. Picking up a familiar scent of , ‘Come and see’, in response to asking the question, Who am I? I find myself being led one step at a time by listening to the Voice within. My Intuition (Into I in motion). The One Who Knows.
In looking over my shoulder while on my Way, I did not understand at this time in my life that the answer was being given in the moment I asked because a strange series of events were set off that first induced in me a recoiling back, followed by anger and bitterness, then a deep depression, which led to a bargaining or pleading state, and ultimately led me to wave the white flag of my former existence.
I surrendered, stopped struggling and came to accept where I was in this moment.
Allowing my life as I had known it to be turned completely upside down.
It took laying down all my preconceived ideas of what I thought my life was suppose to look like and who I was suppose to be like created on a constantly shifting foundation of how others ideas and ideals wanted me to be for them, not myself. A cloudy reflection of the True Image and not Being the Clear True Image. It just became too much to carry or care about anymore. My existing state of Mind went blank. I ran out of gas. It took letting go of the expectations of all the people, places and things and sitting in complete aloneness (Silence) to see with new eyes by listening to what was being said in my Inner Chambers.
Once again, like I had been at age 19, I had no where to go, I had no one to talk to because I didn’t even know or understand who I was at this point. It was very difficult trying to express what I was experiencing. I was an island unto myself. A point and grunt moment. I was back at the beginning or Point Zero.
It has been by growing into my understanding, while gaining the knowledge within each evolving cycle, that I have learned it is a constant process of refinement, of sifting and sorting, discerning what to keep and what to let go of in Light of what has served its purpose in my life. This refinement process clears my Mind, clears my eyes and my heart of all emotions and allows me to focus on the real Image of what or whom is the God of my Life in this moment.
My eyes weren’t clear in this moment, they were downright blind.
I desired New Blood, another Source or Way of Life. My blood was toxic and it would take a Blood transfusion to save my life.
The way this happened for me was my fairy tale dream of having a perfect family life was turned into dust. I kept pouring all my energy into grasping and clutching at the sandcastle that was disappearing between my tightly clenched fingers. The harder I gripped the faster it slipped away.
I first began to ’sense’ by becoming deeply depressed that there was something missing in my present idea of what a perfect life was suppose to look like and then proceeded to beat myself up emotionally for being so ungrateful by feeling this way. I was eating myself to death on the inside based on the fear of losing the outside picture.
I realize now, it was my Higher Self, the God Within saying, ‘Psst!!…pay attention here.’ Your deep depression (emotional indicator of something is amiss) is calling you to your True Self. Just be still and know your answer.
So what did I do? I took it upon my old self’s way of fixing things. I was just learning to walk in new ways. I tried to figure it out. I was still looking for Love in all the wrong places. I kept asking others, ‘Will you please show me, tell me who I am? I seem to be experiencing an Identity crisis here and I can’t seem to remember who I am. I’m lost.’
So naturally people obliged.
The only ‘problem’ was I still wasn’t ‘getting’ the answer to what I was asking to know and this only added to my grief and confusion. Why?
Well, I have come to understand that it is impossible to solve a ‘problem’ on the same level it is created. The answer or solution must come from a Higher Mind of understanding. One who can see the whole ‘problem’ with many possible solutions by being above it all.
I was receiving too much ‘outside’ information and influence.
I’d outgrown my current level of experience and I was afraid of the unknown. I was in a dry, parched, disillusioned, broken hearted and very angry state of mind. I felt that God had abandoned me like everyone and everything else in my life seem to have done. I was like a child forgotten and left behind the door, feeling like all the goods were being given away to all the others.
I didn’t want someone else’s good, I only wanted my portion, my good, what rightfully belonged to me. My Inheritance.
A new and before now, unthinkable way of inter chamber dialoging began to arise from within me.
I sinned as in I broke the ingrained laws against my ancestral theology.
I threw a major tantrum and I cussed God out, not once but with regularity.
I also was a hypocrite, a pretender. I was practicing hypocrisy by professing to possess beliefs, feelings and virtues that I truly did not believe in nor own.
I was a liar.
Putting on the happy face and continuing to go to church while still looking for my True Self and where I fit into this picture and cussing God out under my breath at the same time.
I was fooling everyone but My True God Self. And My True God Self knew this.
I was receiving the answer to my original question. It just didn’t look like it was suppose to.
I was led into a valley, this one even deeper than the one before, also known as a dark night of the Soul. The valley is where the best fruit grows. Why? Well, because the valley is where all the shit flows down from the mountaintop. Yes, I said that.
The marriage went first.
Next, I had to ‘find a job’ or mildly put, just over broke. Taking me away from my heart’s desire and purpose of creating a home for myself and my children.
Then the very ones I had lived and breathed and poured my being into and woven my dreams into turned their backs on me and left in raging adolescence. Not my babies!!
I had to endure becoming a scarlet women to the very church I had placed such high expectations and trust in and bound my loyalty to. They pushed me out the door and shut it. Just like that.
It was an awakening for me as thoughts of all the tithing I gave in very dire circumstances because I was afraid if I did not give the money to the church as taught, instead of buying shoes to replace my children’s worn out ones during winter, that somehow God would punish me financially. The Insanity of it all!!
Old tapes rising from the ancestral grave to haunt me.
Now on the other side of this once opened door, another familiar but forgotten thought crossed my mind.
I was Free!!
I said as I was leaving and now knowing, ‘God, I’m taking a forever sabbatical. I don’t need this anymore. I am finished.’
Now what do I do?
Well, it’s interesting when everything is dumped out, you find out something about Truth; Truth will always keep recycling and returning, its unchangeable in Its nature. It cannot deny Itself. Truth is Truth. Leading me to understand that I do not have to ‘think’ or worry about anything. I have always been shown what to do, one step at a time.
I am now certain that holding tightly onto one’s beliefs is not the most practical answer. Being certain of ones truth is a whole other story. Not the same things. I learned to hold on to the hand of the One who was leading the way. I keep being brought back to the beginning of where I come from. It keeps whispering in my ears of heart listening, reminding me of the very essence of who I am. I know this without a doubt when I am in my True State of Mind. Remaining merged in the Mind of God.
I leap and the net appears. I surrender, I let go. I allow myself to be carried by the All Seeing, All Knowing, Ever Present One.
A state of complete Trust because I know Whom I am Trusting in. Its Voice sounds like my True Voice.
Did God come back or did I find God? Both. It’s all relative. Two sides of the same coin. God never left me. I just lost my True Mind and forgot. A momentary Spiritual process of a false sense of self being removed from the Rightful throne of ownership, my life now being seen through the eyes of My One True Self.
I have learned the best way to prevent this from happening again is to stay consciously and constantly connected to the Voice and Hand of God leading me from within moment by moment. I sit in the Presence of My God and allow myself to be loved. That’s all I am being asked to do. InJoy this Relationship.
I am the Love I thought I was searching for. I just have to be still and Be In Loves abiding Presence.
That trips me up still sometimes. It’s too easy. I find I like simplicity. It’s much easier to remember when it’s a pleasure to remember to.
Like a lingering KISS from God.
Keep It Simple Sweetie ~ pie ~
Many Loving Blessings, Be Well,
In Joy this day Being You,
Julia
