You Nique By Design

Would you be hostage to the ego or host to God? ~ ACIM

Forgiveness is the key to happiness. ~ ACIM

‘We do not need to know how to forgive. All we have to do is be willing to forgive. The Universe will take care of the how.’

~ ‘Heart Thoughts, A Treasury of Inner Wisdom’ ~ by Louis Hay ~

 

I realize as I write this that someone who may be reading my blog for the very first time might be wondering what I mean by ‘God’. As I shared in my About the Author, I use the word ‘God’ instead of a long stream of meanings of One’s True Source of Life Origin.

 

I have found that forgiveness is a word that for myself and many others causes no end of angst and confusion. While I cannot define it for another, I can and am willing to share its transcendent meaning for myself. My understanding of this word has changed tremendously throughout my experience here and I am sure that its meaning will continue to deepen as I walk my path moment by moment.

 

I am a firm believer that taking total responsibility for oneself and one’s life is paramount to living a joyful happy experience here. I will also say that I have had to go through many experiences to come to this realization. Understanding and Knowing this brings simplicity and ease to my life, the actual learning to do it is a process that is acted upon moment by moment.

 

One of my greatest lessons in this life to learn, that has affected all other of my relational experiences so far, began with my formative years being spent with my earthly mother. I can remember my beliefs about my upbringing with this woman as one of daily torment and a living hell. She was a cruel and very hateful woman in my eyes. I wanted to be nothing like her and did whatever I could to prove I was otherwise.

 

Once I was able to get the hell out of there, I took the opportunity and ran like the wind. In fact I flew across the Pacific Ocean to be thousands of miles away. What is interesting is that without really knowing myself I was doing what I swore I would never do. Repeating family History. Like my mother, I ran far away from an abusive home.

 

I was bent on doing, being and having a life so the opposite from what I had experienced. While I succeeded in some areas as in keeping abuse out of and away from my children the fact that I wasn’t doing these things from the position of a forgiving State of Being, I missed some foundational or structural processes. I was putting bandages on old wounds. My skeletons were still attached to my ankles and the more I was running away from them they kept following behind me and nipping at my heels. I kept looking ahead for a way out and it was driving me into all sorts of bizarre behaviors. Hiding, numbing, repeating behaviors. I was experiencing what drives me nuts, repetition. I felt like a dog chasing its tail. Confusion, and no bearings were the results, not to mention a sense of giving up and looking for a way out of this hopelessness. I was earnestly seeking a daily living experience of calm, peace and freedom from this living hell.

 

All I truly wanted was to be able to forget my past and leave it behind me for good. Or did I? Why was I not able to accomplish this one desire? Did God really desire for me to have peace, joy, happiness and a constant sense of well-being in my life? Why was this alluding me so much while it seemed like others had accomplished it? Wasn’t this a genuine heart prayer, one that God would surely honor by giving me this desire? The answer is always present in the asking. I can see it is always here in this now moment. How? Well due to recent events in the course of the last five years of my life, I have been given the opportunity to understand and know more deeply the meaning of forgiveness.

 

In the church years, I learned forgiveness was when your brother offends you, go and make it right before coming to God. H mm… This created some interesting controversies in this one because I have a tendency to have an excellent memory and I was the one who was wronged. I was very good at defending my positon to be right. So why was I so miserable? Where was my happiness if I was right?

 

I struggled with understanding True Forgiveness for years and not really getting this one down. There was still residue left over. I noticed a good indicator of lingering unforgiveness when a person or event would pop up and I would get a sensation in my gut. I would then pray (talk to God in my Inner Chamber) and ask for its release. Trying to get the whole offense out of my mind was a different story. It worked some of the time but not all of the time.

 

H mm…. More people and events kept coming and added to the ongoing wrestling match. More characters were jumping into the ring and it was a me against them mindset.

 

The one consistent belief underneath it all was I kept blaming God for it. Why would you allow this to happen to me? Why won’t you help me, free me, etc…… Where was I in this equation? What could I possibly have to do with any of this? I wasn’t willing to accept my responsibility in this seeming ‘problem’. I was playing the role of the weak and helpless victim. Is this what God says I am?

 

Fast forward to now, many events and people later. Seeing any changes? Well, Yes!! I recently had a confrontation with my tribal roots family also known as my birth family in this picture. It was unpleasant to say the least. But something began shifting inside of me. After years of being in the classroom of learning True Forgiveness 101, something was sinking in deeper within. I was being shown all along a different way and meaning of forgiveness, which is why I call it True Forgiveness for it doesn’t resemble the meaning of what I was taught at all.

 

Until I realize that I am the God of my life within God, I will always choose to remain a prisoner of allowing others to shape and form my life by influencing my behavior and my habitual ways of dealing with these things by blaming someone else.

 

I can measure this Truth when I compare the results of my actions directly due to the way I am responding or reacting to any situation of what I think happened, is happening or possibly could happen. Am I experiencing peace within this moment or not? Simple measuring tool.

 

When I choose to decide to come from my rightful, empowered Authentic Self in this very moment, my Truth reveals to me that preceding anything that may seem to show up at any moment, there is absolutely no thing (person, place or thing) that can have, be or do anything to remove my peace unless I allow it to by choosing to believe I am giving my True Power away. I am then choosing to believe I am a helpless, weak victim by empowering something outside of myself to take over my life. I have the power to choose. I always have this Innate Power to choose. I know this very well Now. Why would I choose otherwise? Perhaps when I fear change and the unknown?

 

Seeing Now with much more clarity that it is about claiming True Ownership. From this now realized empowered position, it isn’t possible to lose myself at all because I am being my True Authentic Self. It all comes down to the way I choose to see myself and how I relate myself to others. A Belief is based on a choice. What do I believe? Decide. Slave to others or Free in myself. I Now am choosing True Forgiveness and experience; Peace, Love, Joy and Happiness. Choose to see no offense, let go of needing a defense.

What’s left to fight with or defend against?

No thing, No One. Freedom for All.

Simple? Yes. Easy? Only when I choose it one step at a time.

 

In closing, I went to see my mother the other evening as she had called me and asked to be with her. She is in transition of going home to her God.

 

I have struggled for years with learning how to forgive her. I was being given a gift in a moment of clarity of seeing through the culmination of all these years of experiences for me. I went in to say good night to her as she lay on her bed. She looked up at me and I saw so clearly how young she looked. There were strange sensations coursing throughout my being. I could not get over how childlike she looked. And her face beaming up at me in beautiful childlike wonder, she whispers, Thank you so much for coming to see me. I love you so much. Thank you for coming and helping me. Will you come see me again? I smiled at my mother, Yes. I will be back, rest in God tonight. I love you mom. I kissed her cheek, wished her sweet dreams and went home.

 

The next morning as I drove alone lost in thought, an aha! came to me and touched me so deeply, I wept.

 

I had been holding my mother in prison all these years by the verdict of guilty as charged, because I continued to blame her for my past. In doing this, I had become the very thing I said I hated. A prisoner of my past. I held her as forever guilty of her many offenses in my life and not worthy of my forgiveness, she was to be forever punished. She would never be able to undo the damage done in my past way of thinking.

 

I was her prison keeper as long as she was my prisoner. What’s worth noting is that in order to maintain her position I had to remain in prison with her! Who else was keeping her there?!? I reached a point where I have had enough of watching life from behind the bars. I no longer want to serve time there. It’s dark and lifeless and besides, the gruel sucks. What would it really cost me to just simply open the door and walk out as a freed being? Nothing but reaching forward and turning the handle of the door. The end of the sentence of this imprisoned state of mind.

 

My desire to be free was beyond any other desire I have had. I ran out of reasons to keep her or myself there. The key to freedom is forgiveness. The key has always remained in the door waiting. I must simply reach for it and just open the door. How easy is this? As easy as I choose to make it by deciding to just do it. What do you want Julia?

Unturned, Untouched. Forever a prisoner or Free. Freedom is this close.

 

Being present with her as she transitions and transforms in returning to becoming a memory always within me, she is free to transform in Love and Peace as I give her what she is giving to me this very moment in her childlike face.

 

Her Innocence in seeing through the eyes of Innocence.

 

I see her in her True Innocent State and in return I am amazed at how I am able to see mine so clearly now. It is truly a healing and freeing place to be.

 

I Am Free.

 

My mother has been my greatest teacher of learning what I am here to learn and teach. True Forgiveness for All freely given within Unconditional Love. I see Love. There is nothing left to forgive.

True Forgiveness is offered in advance. It’s taken me awhile to understand this Truth. This has deeply altered the way I view all other relationships and events in my life. A cycle coming around full circle. It’s good to begin all over. Clean Slate. It all begins within me. I will not ever be able to choose the same way based on this knowing. Will there be more opportunities to learn this? Only until I find there are no more more prisoners of my own making left to release into freedom. The cell is empty.

 

I am face to face with Another Choice. Prisoner-Slave or Free Ownership. Power or Weakness. Hostage or Host.

Guilty or Innocent.

 

I ask you to be willing to consider these things again:

 

Would you be hostage to the ego or host to God? ~ ACIM

 

Forgiveness is the key to happiness. ~ ACIM

I will awaken from the dream that I am mortal, fallible and full of sin, And know I Am the perfect Child of God. ~ ACIM

 

Sending Loving Blessings to you All today,

 

Go in the Peace of God, All has Always been Forgiven,

 

Julia